12 Months

Roan is 1 Year Old!!!!!!

This will be my final monthly update. After this I will give Roan updates as needed or when he does something really cute. I will be sure to post at least a 6 month update.

Weight: 23 lbs

Height: 32 inches

Just before his birthday he had another massive growth spurt. After each growth spurt he is wobbly as he gets used to his new body. It took him a day to get used to his height. He was walking fast towards a table that he used to easily walk under and totally clothed lined the top of it when his head ran into it. He fell down and didn't cry just shook his head and composed himself and got back up.

He is so cute when he walks and falls he gets back up by sticking his butt in the air on all fours and walks his way up with his hands. He is an excellent walker. It is his preferred method of travel. He still crawls but only out of convenience. When he started to walk he walked like Frankenstein and had his shoulders up to his neck and he arms out in front of him. Now he tries to get some speed. 

His reach is even father. He can now grab stuff off the counter as I am cooking which gave us a few scares. He loves to pick up larger awkward items and carry them around. His favorite items have been a tennis racket and a box.

He is a good eater. I am getting tired of buying baby food to subsidize his regular meal so we are quitting that cold turkey. We are giving him more adult food and he is doing really well with eating. Still picky with some types of fruit but he likes everything else. He loves to play with his food too. He will pick up some items and pretend to drop it while chanting at it but then never let it go out of his hand. He still tosses food onto the floor to watch it fall. And he loves to slide his food around on his tray. He loves to share his food and hand you things too. 

I have commenced weening. He is already drinking milk and I am just working on weening him off the night feeding. He is sleeping better. Slowly but surely. A few nights he only wakes up once or not all but then we still have a bad night when he is awake for up to 2 hours or will only sleep in your arms or won't go back down without being swaddled. He was getting a good groove on and then just after his birthday he started teething again. He only gets up once to feed and then most of the time goes right back down. Any advice on how to skip this midnight snack? I don't mind it but I wonder if I just cuddle with him will he go back to sleep or does he have to drink something. 

Oh this milk is really good...what did you say was in it...nevermind.

He is smarter than people think he is. He totally understands us when we say certain things to him. I think I will get him an etch-a-sketch soon so he can practice playing with the pen. I was playing with one at a friends house and he totally was all over it. Plus he has a shape sorter toy and he loves to push the shapes in the box. Roan can also wave goodbye and he waves his hands around to music. He still grunts when you talk to him. I have a cool video of how he plays and laughs when people sneeze. 

He likes to play with his tongue, and yours still. I will catch him sticking it out and wiggling it and making weird shapes with his lips. Speaking of lips he still likes to kiss but he is learning to kiss on the lips. He still won't pucker his lips. So when he kisses us he just opens his mouth and gives you a wet opened mouth kiss. He is so funny. Whenever he sees Lars and I kiss he wants in on it.

He loves to gabber and we are learning what some of his gabber means. NANANANA means no. He has other squels and he is using his hands and eyes to express what he is trying to get across.

He knew exactly what to do with the toy phone

. He is also mimicking what we do. The other day after dinner I put my hands behind my head and then he did the exact same thing. If you cough he will cough too. Silly kid.

Being a new parent has been quite an experience. A lot of it is just learning to get over your nervous boundaries that you put on yourself. When I think back on certain things I laugh at how silly I was but at the time it seemed so life and death. It has really put me out of my zone at times but I have been better for it. The best part has been seeing all the simple wonders around me that as an adult I take for granted. I love being a Mom....no I love being ROAN's MOM. 

Loves bath time. 

Playing with his friend Dane at the Mall. 

Roan in a Year

Bluest eyes+Big feet+Long torso+5 hair cuts (lots of blonde hair)+8 teeth+best friend Dane+sweetest laugh+walking dude+most precious smile+so much more=Roan Year One

Newborn

 

 1 Month

 2 Month

3 Month

 4 Month

 5 Month

 6 Month

7 Month

 8 Month

9 Month

 10 Month

11 Month

12 Month

Am I Out of This Rain Yet?

This is another one of those honest emotional posts of mine. I wish I could tell you I am at the tail end of all this but I am not really sure. So bear with me or move on.

The first few weeks of the year have been so tough on me emotionally. I am not really even sure why. I have all sorts of reasons to be normal and happy but these hormones of mine keep raging and I have been trying to get to the bottom of it. As I have been thinking it over I have tried to understand my depression I have figured out the process my emotions take me on.

First, something sets me off inside. It can something big, like a heated argument with someone that leaves me unsettled. Or something small, like getting cut off while driving. Then I am sent into a whirlwind of thoughts about how dumb I was to get cut off in the first place and I am worthless blah blah. Stupid right. Lately it has been coming out of nowhere. Then, I go into what I call zombie mode and I am completely numb to everything around me yet I live and act like things are fine and go through the motions. When I think about it I am pretty surprised that I even get out of bed in the morning when in this mode. That tells me that there is still something strong inside of me. I just need to unveil it. Zombie mode last a few days and as I slowly wake up from it I feel normal and can't believe that that was even me at all. Life goes on I feel pretty good and then something sets me off again. Now that I recognize this process, or re-recognize as I am pretty sure I figured this out months ago but it creeped up on me again in a new form, I have been trying to redirect my thoughts or attitude when "that" incident happens to set me off into the zombie mode. I don't care for who I am in zombie mode. I want to be alive and partake of the relationships, moments, and beauty around me.

I think I have mostly been freaking out that this depression thing is returning but with a vengeance  I have no shame returning to a counselor or even considering drugs again. I am just mad because I thought I was getting past this and returning to the up and up. I have also been upset that I am not a stay at home Mom yet and it makes me mad to see other stay at home Moms working it. I don't hate them, it just gets me worked up that I am not there yet. This is the issue I need to get over, honestly. I figured we would move back to Utah and it would all work out within months. And it hasn't and that is nobody's fault but life and I need to frankly suck it up and get over it and enjoy my life now and when it is time for that it will happen and I know it will be the right time. That really, when I think about it, has been the story of my life. I want it now, but Heavenly Father knows the right timing and I just need to trust him. I am trying to deepen my testimony of the atonement for this and it is really hard. Often times I feel so alone in this process when I know I am not. This is seriously the hardest thing I have even gone through. This little boy makes me so happy and yet I am so miserable from all the roller coaster of the emotions.

With all that out in the open here is what I have concluded to do to try and weather this storm a little further. I have talked with a few close friends, Lars, and my Mom about this. And the feedback I am getting is that I more or less need to live in the moment now rather than worry about the future and what I don't have. If I continue to focus more on the future I will miss out on some fun stuff right in front of me.  I was referred to this blog post about drops of awesome and have reread it over and over. It has helped train my mindset to look at what I am doing right rather than what I am not doing.

I am making more of an effort to enjoy my job and make friends at work and at church. When I started working in Utah I had the attitude that it was only temporary so who cares, I checked out of the career Stephanie and just want my paycheck so I can go home. I stopped taking pride in my work and went through the motions. The last few weeks I have actually been trying to learn all the new stuff my job has to offer. It has been fun and I feel good about the work product I produce. Plus I am getting to know some of my coworkers and they ain't too bad. The other day I had a girl moment with one of then as we thanked each other for working hard that day and expressed the fun groove we had. Regarding making friends at church...I had low LOW expectations moving into this ward. I had been here before and the last experience wasn't the best. There are a few ladies my age but we are all on different levels within our lives. I didn't think I fit in. However, they all thought different and have been reaching out to me. I had a lot of ladies from the ward leave kind notes and cookies the week, yep entire week of my birthday. I am gonna try and let them in. If I don't I could be missing out on a possible friendship.

I am still being a kick-A Mom. Just because I am not at home to play games or teach him all that I could do during the day doesn't mean I can't at night. We still have fun and if we don't have time to do things I pass them on to his Grandma, our sitter, and she is kind enough to follow through on them and report back. She is amazing and he loves her so much. I take a lot of comfort know that he is in good hands while we are at work and am confident in her ability to love and take care of him. Both of our families are a huge support in helping with Roan while we both work.

Those are a few thinks I have been working on the last few weeks of the month and it has gotten better. Yeah, my situation hasn't changed because of it. I still have tough moments. But I am happier inside for trying and that is starting to show on the outside again. Which is what I want. People tell me I am so happy and spread the joy just by being in the room. Sometimes I don't think I am doing very well with that but slowly I am getting back to a more confident spontaneous Stephanie that I know and love.

I want to leave you with this song and a story about how I discovered this song. During one of my recent zombie days I decided to let the universe speak to me. I was feeling so alone and begging The Lord for some answers and help. I decided to turn off my music player and just let the radio tell me what was up. This actually is a fun game to do in Utah because they ONLY play Maroon 5, Kesha, Justin Beiber, and a few local bands on the radio. I am not joking. It is seriously just an annoying rotation of those songs. During my experiment I heard some different songs for a change, mostly Katie Perry's apart of me and some other stuff. to pump me up but I still wasn't feeling it. Then on the way home from work I tuned into a country station and heard this song. I was crying by the end of it. Heavenly Father does love us and though our trials seem never ending and are hard and we feel alone we are not alone and these trials will be a memory eventually. Through him we will be made free. In the mean time I hope I can do my best to weather the storm and not waste anymore time feeling miserable. I love you all. Thank you for the love and support.

Here is the video


Here are the lyrics:

                                                 "Every Storm (Runs Out Of Rain)"

So you're standing in the middle of the thunder and lightning
I know you're feeling like you just can't win, but you're trying
It's hard to keep on keepin' on, when you're being pushed around
Don't even know which way is up, you just keep spinning down, 'round, down…

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

So hold your head up and tell yourself that there's something more
And walk out that door,
Go find a new rose, don't be afraid of the thorns
'Cause we all have thorns
Just put your feet up to the edge, put your face in the wind
And when you fall back down, keep on rememberin'

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

It's gonna run out of pain
It's gonna run out of sting
It's gonna leave you alone
It's gonna set you free
Set you free

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

It's gonna set you free,
It's gonna run out of pain,
It's gonna set you free

Pump It Up!! 5K Goal

As apart of my new years goal to get healthier I registered to run a 5K at the end of April. I was going to run a different 5K when my sister in law reached out to me about this one. I read about it and thought this one would be wayyyyy more fun and more fun=motivation, right. Plus some of the proceeds goes to Breast Cancer research and stuff. Good cause. So we created a team consisting of myself, sister in law Tina, and her sister. We call ourselves.....the "Gator Gals."

Honestly I just made up the name, it has no special meaning behind it, other than my brother in laws 4 wheeler club is called the Gators. :) I am sure we will have fun with it and create some awesome apparel to wear.

As soon as I registered I had motivation painted all over me. I seriously went home that day and actually ran on the treadmill. I am going to keep you all updated weekly or every so often on my training process because I know there will be many points during this process that I just want to throw in the towel. Putting it out there keeps me accountable and I like being cheered on.

Here are a few things motivating me to do this:

-Lose the baby weight. I am not ashamed to put numbers out here because it will motivate me. I weigh in at 198lbs (that is how much I weighed when Roan was born, then I went down to 193 and have gone back up to 198, thanks holidays and lack of self control). I want to be 150lbs by the end of the year or sooner.

-Have more energy to keep up with my newly walking little one.

-Feel happier-I still have depression creeping in and out of me. I know when I am more physically fit I feel more balanced in this area. 

-Save $. Lars new insurance gives discounts if you participate in their health awareness assessment program. I am already onboard with them and have set my goals there and they are going to give me a follow up call in a month to see where I am with my short term goals.

-Have fun and meet people

Here are some tools I am using to get me there:

-I have 2 workout apps that I am using. 1-Zombie Run 5K training. It is so funny. As I run there is a story that is playing out. I have to run from zombies and accomplish a mission. It tracks my speed, pace, and is an 8 week training schedule. 2-Fitness Flow which plays workout videos that I can do at my own pace, it is free by the way, the Zombie run I paid a few bucks for. I have another app that I can record my meals on and monitor my calories but I haven't started that yet and am unsure if I will right now. 

-A commitment to eat better during this process. I had a coach tell me that you can't build muscles on marshmallows. LOL. I plan on cutting out soda, uping the fruits, veggies, and proteins, and cutting out free food. Free food is my weakness and makes me overeat because sometimes I have no self control and see food has currency. If it is free and I have lots of it I am flying high but really I am not.

-Time-I am making this a priority and will commit 3 days a week to running and 2 days to strength training. I plan to do most of this after work or during lunch. I am thinking about getting up early to exercise but maybe later. Roan still gets up at night and I get up at 6 am for work and I value sleep especially during training.

-Talking about it. I am not trying to become an obsessive exercise person, but I think putting it out there gets me pumped up and makes me accountable. I don't want to say I am going to do this and then do nothing and run into someone I was bragging to months from now and they see that I am still sitting on the couch doing nothing. Heck no!!

There ya have it. I am feeling strong today.

Todays Update:
Yesterday I walked/ran on the treadmill with Zombies for 32 minutes.
Today I walked 2 miles during lunch.
Free food was put out at work and I passed it up.

I am open to suggestions and thoughts? What has worked for you with training for a 5K? Suggestions or recipes for eating better? What time of the day works best for working out for you?

Love you all!!

Christmas 2012

Christmas was a lot of fun this year as it was Roan's first. I am sure he will have no memory of it. A few days before Christmas we went to Lars' Father's house, Ivan for games, delicious food, and a little gift exchange. Roan got some clothes and a Duplo train set. That night Ivan went to the hospital with gall stones. He spent the next few days in and out of surgery. He is on the mend now and we continue to pray for his quick recovery.

watching David Archuletta

Christmas Eve we survived a mini snow storm and went over to Lars' Mom's house to start the annual Christmas roll. We enjoyed pizza with his Mom and brother and watch David Archuletta sing with Mo-Tab. It was beautiful and Mom learned what Mo-Tab means (Mormon Tabernacle Choir). Afterwards we went to my parents house and I stayed up late with my Mom cooking casseroles and wrapping presents. One of the perks of having Christmas in freezing cold Utah is you can put all the casseroles and meats outside on the porch when you run out of room in the fridge and they will stay cold.

 Get this bow off me

I was excited for Roan's first Christmas so I didn't sleep well, but we managed to sleep inn until 7:30. Lars and I exchanged our own gifts, he got me a new fancy smancy Nexus phone and I got him a solid chocolate gun and a gift card to a gun range. Then we enjoyed watching Roan open his gifts and play with his toys and the wrapping paper. He was so cute. He wanted to be involved in everyone elses gift opening. We put the bows on his shoulders and he tried to bite them off.

 Roan got mad when we took them away.

Tim giving us a photo-bomb

 Brent's Family

 mmm

 The Dudes

The Gals

Then we went over to Lars' mothers house for the Barlow breakfast. Lars made ableskivers, in addition to that we had ham, bacon, velveeta eggs, christmas roll, juice, chocolate milk, and lots of other goodies. We enjoyed the family and exchanged gifts. Roan received a dinasour hand puppet. The highlight was when Lars' Dad, Rich, opened his gift. The gift tag said it was from "The Fire Department" (aka Lars). He was given a toaster. (a little background here, Lars' Dad has alzheimers and has been nortorious as of late for starting toaster fires in their super old toaster. A new toaster was needed to help in this situation.) We all got a kick out of this, especially Mom.

Nativity

Then we went to my parents house for the Stark get together. We had a delicious dinner and then had a nativity with all the grandkids. Roan played Jesus. He was very good and enjoyed watching and playing with all his cousins throughout the evening. Everyone loved having him practice his walking. I thought Roan was going to be pooped out by now and cling to us, but he had a ball checking out everyone. My siblings had a card gift exchange with a game. It was a lot of fun and I got a gift card to the Desert Star, or as my sister would say, the Death Star. I can't wait to see a show there. :) Roan got a cute pair of footie pajamas, a toy, and a toy organizer. We also enjoyed discussing some of our favorite Christmas memories and family traditions. We passed the rest of the evening with games and butterscotch pie that my brother made, it was sooo good.

All in all it was a happy Christmas. Honestly, I had a little hard time with all the mixed emotions. I was happy to be with my family but sad as I had received some sad news about the passing of a friend who was battling cancer that morning. I cried some of it out before my own family party but I was still hurting inside. So I stuck with Roan the entire time and enjoyed Christmas through his eyes. Being with him makes everything better and for that I am thankful.

For New Years we had 1 or 2 friends over and ate lots of food, played killer uno, stayed up late, and laughed a lot. Good times. 

CHEERS