Struggling My Way Up

Oh September...You are most definitely one of the hardest month to live with this year. Let me update you wonderful readers on what has been happening with me as of late, and why I haven't really been blogging much. Disclaimer-This is not a complaining post. Merely an update on my life and what is going on, what I am learning, and where I am going. Believe me...I have problems but I would gladly keep my own problems than exchange them for other people's.

At the beginning of the month my boss pulled me aside and told me that they were eliminating my position. Bummer right, well I had seen it coming and was already looking for new employment, but I was being picky. So I continued looking for other work without being too picky. In the mean time my employer put me on this crappy 2nd shift position until they found a new home for me. Not bad right, I have worked that position before and appreciate the pros of it but was happy to go back to my normal life as soon as I was done. Only this time I had no idea what normal life would be. In addition to that I had some new responsibilities from church that needed me to be free a few evenings a week, I was called as the Young Women's President in my ward. Totally awesome...sort of. I have always wanted to serve in the YW since I was young. I am all about being a Daughter of God and cannot wait to pound that into these younger gals. However, I didn't have a clue it would be as the president which is proving to be one of the busiest callings of my life. Every Sunday I have 1-3 meetings that are an hour long each, Mutual on Wednesdays, visits to inactive YW during the week, and occasionally there are stake activities or training's that require my attendance. I have an amazing presidency and they have been nothing but supportive during my crazy shift changes. Lars is super supportive at being the single Dad during the meetings and the shift changes. But that still doesn't mean I haven't been putting unnecessary pressure on myself while getting the swing of things.

Needless to say this change in shifts really messed with my life. Things were extremely busy on this shift this time around which made for a stressful work day. My employer wanted to keep me and offered me some alternate positions, all of which really sucked, but they left the decision to me and requested I get back to them in a small time frame. I had some good interviews and hoped one of them would pull through so I wouldn't have to decide, but none of them ever did. I threw around a few other ideas and aspirations to pursue but the reality of those were still far out. My situation in life requires me to work full time right now, which is fine, but I could not figure out where my place was. This change really shook me and forced me to reevaluate some things in my life that I thought I already had a grip on. Keep in mind this decision process is taking place while Lars and I are on opposite schedules, it is so hard to make a decision like this without your best friend and companion there by your side every step of the way. We spoke on the phone during the week and then saw each other on the weekend. Which for me, wasn't enough.

A few weeks into the month and working this shift I got sick with a head cold flu thing, seasonal I am sure. I didn't want to call in sick while on this shift so I toughed it out. Between being sick, the stress of making a decision of what to do with my career, and getting the swing of my new YW Prez. responsibilities, and a few other little things I went into full zombie robot survival mode. You know, the mode where you are surviving but you are a completely numb zombie who can only feel through extremely crazy actions yet you are going through the motions like robot. All of this and more was the perfect storm that threw my emotions into a pit of depression. Everything, even breathing, became a hard task. If you are a regular to this blog you may already know from many past posts that I dealt with postpartum and later depression. I have honestly been really good with all this since May without any crazy incidents, at least nothing I couldn't handle. The week I was sick was the worst of it. It got bad, real bad, I didn't do anything but there were a few moments where the demons in my head scared the crap out of me. I did get some help and talked to a very small amount of people about what was happening so they would check in on me daily for the next little while. I kept myself busy in between the tears and kept going to work and leaving the house to push myself out of it. I also went shopping a lot. Since my healthy lifestyle change I wasn't going to turn to food, which I didn't (hooray) But I did go clothes shopping a lot. (I will post pics of some super cute outfits soon). I gave myself countless pep talks. I knew I had a lot to live for and had more to be grateful for. I kept telling myself to stop being dumb and enjoy the NOW. I had no idea why this was so hard to snap out of. My mojo was lost and I could not it for the life of me so I embraced the zombie robot inside of me and just prayed for things to change soon, prayed for things to get easier or for me to see the the possible end to these issues or choose to react better, or anything really.

It wasn't until this last weekend that something inside of me just snapped back on. I remember curling up on the couch next to Lars and just snuggling, talking, relaxing, and feeling so normal again. I feel like I am becoming more ME with each new day and am breaking out of a cacoon I was in all month. I hate looking back at the time I wasted being a zombie robot but I can't look back anymore. Only forward to a new day where I can choose to smile, laugh, and live again and take life as it comes and try not to over-think or sweat the small stuff, and to remember that despair really is optional. My perspective is changing and that is a good.

I made a decision about work. Even after I made the choice various options kept popping up, none of them ended up panning out so I embraced my decision full force and since then things inside have improved. I moved into a permanent day time position with the same company leading a one person site. I like the people there and I love having something to take ownership of. I do miss working with various coworkers but most of all I am so happy to be back on a day shift. I have set in motion a goal to open my own preschool within a year. It is a lot of start up work and since I am working full time now this will be slow going. But it is something I am hoping to do. I would love to be my own boss and quit working for "the man". I am still doing my health-coaching. It was put on the back burner for the month but has since gone back into action. I even got a few new clients. WAHOO!

I am loving my calling even more now than I am getting a handle on things. The girls and leaders I work with are amazing. My testimony grows in new ways everyday. Things are so different now than when I was a kid, and I was a kid not that long ago. It just amazes me what the leaders of the church are doing to prepare the youth of today. I also have a testimony about the process the Brethren set up for ward council and how it is working to fellowship and reactivate families and bring people closer to Christ. I have learned so much in this regard and am grateful for the life I have lived.

Oh September. Living it up this month was such a struggle to do. Now that it is Fall, my favorite season of all, I am striving for a better month. No more zombie robots, unless they are the Halloween type.