Struggling My Way Up

Oh September...You are most definitely one of the hardest month to live with this year. Let me update you wonderful readers on what has been happening with me as of late, and why I haven't really been blogging much. Disclaimer-This is not a complaining post. Merely an update on my life and what is going on, what I am learning, and where I am going. Believe me...I have problems but I would gladly keep my own problems than exchange them for other people's.

At the beginning of the month my boss pulled me aside and told me that they were eliminating my position. Bummer right, well I had seen it coming and was already looking for new employment, but I was being picky. So I continued looking for other work without being too picky. In the mean time my employer put me on this crappy 2nd shift position until they found a new home for me. Not bad right, I have worked that position before and appreciate the pros of it but was happy to go back to my normal life as soon as I was done. Only this time I had no idea what normal life would be. In addition to that I had some new responsibilities from church that needed me to be free a few evenings a week, I was called as the Young Women's President in my ward. Totally awesome...sort of. I have always wanted to serve in the YW since I was young. I am all about being a Daughter of God and cannot wait to pound that into these younger gals. However, I didn't have a clue it would be as the president which is proving to be one of the busiest callings of my life. Every Sunday I have 1-3 meetings that are an hour long each, Mutual on Wednesdays, visits to inactive YW during the week, and occasionally there are stake activities or training's that require my attendance. I have an amazing presidency and they have been nothing but supportive during my crazy shift changes. Lars is super supportive at being the single Dad during the meetings and the shift changes. But that still doesn't mean I haven't been putting unnecessary pressure on myself while getting the swing of things.

Needless to say this change in shifts really messed with my life. Things were extremely busy on this shift this time around which made for a stressful work day. My employer wanted to keep me and offered me some alternate positions, all of which really sucked, but they left the decision to me and requested I get back to them in a small time frame. I had some good interviews and hoped one of them would pull through so I wouldn't have to decide, but none of them ever did. I threw around a few other ideas and aspirations to pursue but the reality of those were still far out. My situation in life requires me to work full time right now, which is fine, but I could not figure out where my place was. This change really shook me and forced me to reevaluate some things in my life that I thought I already had a grip on. Keep in mind this decision process is taking place while Lars and I are on opposite schedules, it is so hard to make a decision like this without your best friend and companion there by your side every step of the way. We spoke on the phone during the week and then saw each other on the weekend. Which for me, wasn't enough.

A few weeks into the month and working this shift I got sick with a head cold flu thing, seasonal I am sure. I didn't want to call in sick while on this shift so I toughed it out. Between being sick, the stress of making a decision of what to do with my career, and getting the swing of my new YW Prez. responsibilities, and a few other little things I went into full zombie robot survival mode. You know, the mode where you are surviving but you are a completely numb zombie who can only feel through extremely crazy actions yet you are going through the motions like robot. All of this and more was the perfect storm that threw my emotions into a pit of depression. Everything, even breathing, became a hard task. If you are a regular to this blog you may already know from many past posts that I dealt with postpartum and later depression. I have honestly been really good with all this since May without any crazy incidents, at least nothing I couldn't handle. The week I was sick was the worst of it. It got bad, real bad, I didn't do anything but there were a few moments where the demons in my head scared the crap out of me. I did get some help and talked to a very small amount of people about what was happening so they would check in on me daily for the next little while. I kept myself busy in between the tears and kept going to work and leaving the house to push myself out of it. I also went shopping a lot. Since my healthy lifestyle change I wasn't going to turn to food, which I didn't (hooray) But I did go clothes shopping a lot. (I will post pics of some super cute outfits soon). I gave myself countless pep talks. I knew I had a lot to live for and had more to be grateful for. I kept telling myself to stop being dumb and enjoy the NOW. I had no idea why this was so hard to snap out of. My mojo was lost and I could not it for the life of me so I embraced the zombie robot inside of me and just prayed for things to change soon, prayed for things to get easier or for me to see the the possible end to these issues or choose to react better, or anything really.

It wasn't until this last weekend that something inside of me just snapped back on. I remember curling up on the couch next to Lars and just snuggling, talking, relaxing, and feeling so normal again. I feel like I am becoming more ME with each new day and am breaking out of a cacoon I was in all month. I hate looking back at the time I wasted being a zombie robot but I can't look back anymore. Only forward to a new day where I can choose to smile, laugh, and live again and take life as it comes and try not to over-think or sweat the small stuff, and to remember that despair really is optional. My perspective is changing and that is a good.

I made a decision about work. Even after I made the choice various options kept popping up, none of them ended up panning out so I embraced my decision full force and since then things inside have improved. I moved into a permanent day time position with the same company leading a one person site. I like the people there and I love having something to take ownership of. I do miss working with various coworkers but most of all I am so happy to be back on a day shift. I have set in motion a goal to open my own preschool within a year. It is a lot of start up work and since I am working full time now this will be slow going. But it is something I am hoping to do. I would love to be my own boss and quit working for "the man". I am still doing my health-coaching. It was put on the back burner for the month but has since gone back into action. I even got a few new clients. WAHOO!

I am loving my calling even more now than I am getting a handle on things. The girls and leaders I work with are amazing. My testimony grows in new ways everyday. Things are so different now than when I was a kid, and I was a kid not that long ago. It just amazes me what the leaders of the church are doing to prepare the youth of today. I also have a testimony about the process the Brethren set up for ward council and how it is working to fellowship and reactivate families and bring people closer to Christ. I have learned so much in this regard and am grateful for the life I have lived.

Oh September. Living it up this month was such a struggle to do. Now that it is Fall, my favorite season of all, I am striving for a better month. No more zombie robots, unless they are the Halloween type.

What Do I Have

UGH. I am so sorry for all these crazy...emotional...downer...upper posts as of late. I am just going through some things these past few weeks that I haven't had to deal with for a while and it is really putting me through the wringer. Today was another rough day overall. I went to bed last night with a nasty sore throat and woke up this morning with a head cold. I still went to work because let's be honest, it is really lame to take a sick day when you are working the 2nd shift, especially when things are slow enough to surf the net, hence this blog post. While surfing and sulking in my blah state I read this friend's post and then this. It got me thinking that lately, and today especially, I have been having a huge pitty party and focusing on what I don't have going for me right now. And yes I started to compare myself to a few folks in my life which only magnified the crazy in my head and heart. SO I decided I needed to STOP and record what I do have right now. Some of the things on this list may seem silly but with the harsh emotions I am working through right now I need to pull out the weirdly awesome stuff in me to jump over this current situation I am putting myself in...so bear with me. These are in no particular order either.

I have:

beautiful blonde hair

good teeth

a really nice smile

a pretty rad, fit, sexy body

a new cute yellow laced Victoria Secret bra that fits like a glove

a loving, hard working, sexy husband

a spunky and handsome son who smiles a lot and makes my heart grow a billion times it's size when I see him laugh, hug, kiss, and dance.

a job

wonderful friends

a funny family

many talents that I get to share often

a beautiful voice

good organization skills

spunky personalisty

a working car

no school debt

my very own lawn

my very own house

my very own kitchen with cool gadgets that make delicious food

good work ethic

a testimony that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and hears my endless cries

patience...most of the time

a really nice ward

mad dancing skills

the coolest Lean and Green board on pinterest

super fast typing skills

a contagious cackle laugh

knowledge

I am sure there is more but that is a good start for now. Thanks for bearing with me.

Levels

Ugh. I feel like I keep getting handed piles of poop lately. I am trying not to get down and discouraged. I know there is a plan here but I just don't see it yet. Nevertheless after a lot of thought and reflection tonight, a late night while on my second shift, I decided I need to make the best of my situation and dance my worries away. I can't change the situation right now but I can change how I am reacting to it.

I found this video. I love that dancing is absurdly contagious as it is in real life. My awesome, upbeat, crazy self can also be contagious if I let it. Just as my downer, negative, mean self can be. So here is to turning a new leaf...moving up to a new and better level inside....and making the best of a crap load of poo. :)

Fun Things & Mood Swings

When life gets dark and crazy...

 You build a blanket fort

& have fun it.  

There is just one rule....

 No tantrums allowed in the blanket fort.

 As you can see this is becoming a thing for Roan...

 I thought they weren't supposed to do this until they were 2. 

 Besides that Roan is having fun discovering the cool things we do as a parents

 Laundry

 Watering the lawn

 But seriously....the frequency of these mood swings are killing me!!!

ROAR

I don't think there is anything I don't love about this video. Love the song, the color, the story. It is probably one of my favorite music videos. My second favorite would have to be "Friday Night-TGIF". When Roan watched this video with me and the tiger first made it's appearance he screamed UH-OH. I laughed so hard.

This week has been pretty nuts. I have been pretty stressed by some forced changes I have had to deal with at work, I am more or less getting screwed over. Which in turn has made me cave and eat some junk food that I really didn't want which has made me all emotional. I have lots of fears about what is to come and have been very overwhelmed inside with how I am should proceed next. I have a lot of options but it is a matter of choosing the best option for the long term.  I am stronger than all that though. I am back on the healthy track, just trying to make sure my old lack of self control habits don't creep back in. I am hopeful that things will work out how they need to and that by moving forward in the current direction things will work out how they need to, if not then let's pray that a better door presents itself soon.

SO this song has pretty much rocked my world with all my feelings as of late. I am in the process of making a new "Pump Me Up" playlist. Any suggestions on what other songs to add?

10 Year Celebration

10 Years Ago this crazy couple got married

We celebrated a few weekends ago via a fun getaway with just the two of us to a small resort town in Idaho called, Lava Hot Springs.

 This town is quaint and fun. They have a river you can tube down, natural hot springs you can soak in, small hippy earthy stores, and a handful of restaurants. This place is so small, main street was about 1/4 of a mile. 

(One family reunion we went down this river and nearly died because we went down on a 5 person tube on the rocky left side of the fall instead of the smooth and safe right side.)

Wouldn't you know that we left our swimsuits at home on accident so we occupied ourselves with other fun things like napping, walking, soda drinking, touring, talking, and just having fun together. 

We also ate...a lot of good food.  

 This place has square ice cream, it really is hip to be square. We also had THE best pizza ever at this place called Royal's Pizza. All ingredients were handmade and they were beyond amazing.  

 In the town next to Lava, which is called Soda Springs, they have a Geiser and a historic hotel with a fabulous museum. 

At this cool place we found a spring and you can drink the water. It is naturally carbonated and was nasty,  but we had some crystal light with us so we made our own soda drink. It was GOOD!

It was so nice to get away. We both missed Roan and were so happy to be reunited with afterwards. 

It is so crazy to think we have been married 10 years. Not that we made it that long, but that we are getting older. I love Lars more than words could ever express. So happy I have him as my eternal companion.

I got married before most photographers went digital so here are some scans of a few of my favorite wedding pictures. Someday I will scan the negatives in to get a better quality pic. But in the mean time enjoy these. 

We didn't have line, I am anti wedding line, this was just the wedding party for the picture

 Yes I did spray him with whipping cream after we cut the cake. My Aunt was appalled but we are in the entertainment business. :)

FOURRRRR

 My Labor day was fantastic. 

I had an early morning T-time with my favorite client... 

 Then we had some pool time at Grandma and Grandpa's

We had fun with the other cousins and siblings. 

Today's agenda is gardening...

  I love this face

\P.S. I think I found Roan's birthday gift. :)

2 Inches

DO you ever have those people in your life that no matter what you do or say you are always going to be 2 inches away from the unspoken mark they put there for you to reach. I do and it is super annoying! I know of a few in my life, one in particular that I finally realized and accepted the fact that no matter how awesome I am, in their eyes I will never be awesome enough. When I finally accepted this I said to myself, ENOUGH! Not going to let what they say or think bother me anymore. Now I am the kind of person that tries to not let what other people say or think bother me, but there are moments where I do stop and let it bug me or let it second guess myself because they said that or how they said that. It is so dumb too and I get frustrated when I let that happen. But people I am here today to tell you that we shouldn't let the 2 incher's assist in us feeling that way anymore. I vow to not let it bother me any further, if fact from this day forth it will just give me motivation to drive them mad by being the awesome self that I KNOW I am without their help or approval.

Their is might be a little more to this than I am letting on, if you really want to know then call me. 

But for now I just wanted a proclamation that I am not going to reach for YOUR endless 2 inches anymore. I have my own personal 2 inches that I am rocking out and achieving and I am proud to say that I am doing just fine with that.

Thank you very much!