This is another one of those honest emotional posts of mine. I wish I could tell you I am at the tail end of all this but I am not really sure. So bear with me or move on.
The first few weeks of the year have been so tough on me emotionally. I am not really even sure why. I have all sorts of reasons to be normal and happy but these hormones of mine keep raging and I have been trying to get to the bottom of it. As I have been thinking it over I have tried to understand my depression I have figured out the process my emotions take me on.
First, something sets me off inside. It can something big, like a heated argument with someone that leaves me unsettled. Or something small, like getting cut off while driving. Then I am sent into a whirlwind of thoughts about how dumb I was to get cut off in the first place and I am worthless blah blah. Stupid right. Lately it has been coming out of nowhere. Then, I go into what I call zombie mode and I am completely numb to everything around me yet I live and act like things are fine and go through the motions. When I think about it I am pretty surprised that I even get out of bed in the morning when in this mode. That tells me that there is still something strong inside of me. I just need to unveil it. Zombie mode last a few days and as I slowly wake up from it I feel normal and can't believe that that was even me at all. Life goes on I feel pretty good and then something sets me off again. Now that I recognize this process, or re-recognize as I am pretty sure I figured this out months ago but it creeped up on me again in a new form, I have been trying to redirect my thoughts or attitude when "that" incident happens to set me off into the zombie mode. I don't care for who I am in zombie mode. I want to be alive and partake of the relationships, moments, and beauty around me.
I think I have mostly been freaking out that this depression thing is returning but with a vengeance I have no shame returning to a counselor or even considering drugs again. I am just mad because I thought I was getting past this and returning to the up and up. I have also been upset that I am not a stay at home Mom yet and it makes me mad to see other stay at home Moms working it. I don't hate them, it just gets me worked up that I am not there yet. This is the issue I need to get over, honestly. I figured we would move back to Utah and it would all work out within months. And it hasn't and that is nobody's fault but life and I need to frankly suck it up and get over it and enjoy my life now and when it is time for that it will happen and I know it will be the right time. That really, when I think about it, has been the story of my life. I want it now, but Heavenly Father knows the right timing and I just need to trust him. I am trying to deepen my testimony of the atonement for this and it is really hard. Often times I feel so alone in this process when I know I am not. This is seriously the hardest thing I have even gone through. This little boy makes me so happy and yet I am so miserable from all the roller coaster of the emotions.
With all that out in the open here is what I have concluded to do to try and weather this storm a little further. I have talked with a few close friends, Lars, and my Mom about this. And the feedback I am getting is that I more or less need to live in the moment now rather than worry about the future and what I don't have. If I continue to focus more on the future I will miss out on some fun stuff right in front of me. I was referred to this blog post about drops of awesome and have reread it over and over. It has helped train my mindset to look at what I am doing right rather than what I am not doing.
I am making more of an effort to enjoy my job and make friends at work and at church. When I started working in Utah I had the attitude that it was only temporary so who cares, I checked out of the career Stephanie and just want my paycheck so I can go home. I stopped taking pride in my work and went through the motions. The last few weeks I have actually been trying to learn all the new stuff my job has to offer. It has been fun and I feel good about the work product I produce. Plus I am getting to know some of my coworkers and they ain't too bad. The other day I had a girl moment with one of then as we thanked each other for working hard that day and expressed the fun groove we had. Regarding making friends at church...I had low LOW expectations moving into this ward. I had been here before and the last experience wasn't the best. There are a few ladies my age but we are all on different levels within our lives. I didn't think I fit in. However, they all thought different and have been reaching out to me. I had a lot of ladies from the ward leave kind notes and cookies the week, yep entire week of my birthday. I am gonna try and let them in. If I don't I could be missing out on a possible friendship.
I am still being a kick-A Mom. Just because I am not at home to play games or teach him all that I could do during the day doesn't mean I can't at night. We still have fun and if we don't have time to do things I pass them on to his Grandma, our sitter, and she is kind enough to follow through on them and report back. She is amazing and he loves her so much. I take a lot of comfort know that he is in good hands while we are at work and am confident in her ability to love and take care of him. Both of our families are a huge support in helping with Roan while we both work.
Those are a few thinks I have been working on the last few weeks of the month and it has gotten better. Yeah, my situation hasn't changed because of it. I still have tough moments. But I am happier inside for trying and that is starting to show on the outside again. Which is what I want. People tell me I am so happy and spread the joy just by being in the room. Sometimes I don't think I am doing very well with that but slowly I am getting back to a more confident spontaneous Stephanie that I know and love.
I want to leave you with this song and a story about how I discovered this song. During one of my recent zombie days I decided to let the universe speak to me. I was feeling so alone and begging The Lord for some answers and help. I decided to turn off my music player and just let the radio tell me what was up. This actually is a fun game to do in Utah because they ONLY play Maroon 5, Kesha, Justin Beiber, and a few local bands on the radio. I am not joking. It is seriously just an annoying rotation of those songs. During my experiment I heard some different songs for a change, mostly Katie Perry's apart of me and some other stuff. to pump me up but I still wasn't feeling it. Then on the way home from work I tuned into a country station and heard this song. I was crying by the end of it. Heavenly Father does love us and though our trials seem never ending and are hard and we feel alone we are not alone and these trials will be a memory eventually. Through him we will be made free. In the mean time I hope I can do my best to weather the storm and not waste anymore time feeling miserable. I love you all. Thank you for the love and support.
Here is the video
Here are the lyrics:
"Every Storm (Runs Out Of Rain)"