It may or may not be a secret that we have had a tough time staying pregnant the last 1.5 years. We have had 3 losses. All were hard to deal with in their own way. All unexplained, physically, and emotionally draining. We switched doctors, tried progesterone, and even got tested with a specialist. "Nothing is wrong with you" they would tell me. "You are beyond healthy to have a baby."
And yet I felt completely broken inside.
Why..why was this happening?
Does God think I am so strong to bear this?
We felt it was time to grow our family and yet it seems it wasn't...WHY?
It has been a real struggle to deal with these doubts and fears spiritually.
After we got the results from the specialist we felt it was best to take a long break. A break to focus and enjoy what we have now and to regroup. I personally decided to make changes in my life and cut back on various things so I can better focus on the more important things. I have a tenancy to put ridiculous expectations on myself and end of stretching myself thin.
"Many things are good, many things are important, but only a few are essential."
- D. Todd Christofferson
So we took a break and it was nice. I gained a bit of hope when a few of my friends who shared my struggle were now pregnant with a healthy outcome. After a short while deep down I wanted to try again. I always felt there was another for us to hold here on earth. Sounds stupid and kind of cliche but I knew it and I had a friend tell me to focus on that if that was how I truly felt. But I was still very scared to try and fail...again. SO I agonized over it for a few weeks. I prayed and prayed, went to the temple. confided in a friend or two, then prayed some more.
Then we jumped on our own with nothing but faith. No fertility drugs or anything. Just hope and a prayer. We tried to relax and try for fun and not to pound out another kid if you will. Love was my focus. And we got pregnant. I knew it would happen fast. It usually does for us, just doesn't end well or so our record has been.
The first few weeks were rough. I didn't breath easy. I didn't want to tell anyone for fear it would mean certain doom! Finally Lars insisted that we tell our parents and a few close friends. He said we needed to let some know so we can ask for prayers. They had been their for us before and they will be there for us again if needed whether it ended good or bad. He felt good about things more than I did. Well I think he was scared but did his best to not show it and to help me through it. He and my Dad gave me a priesthood blessing. The blessing said this pregnancy would be healthy and I would carry the child full term. I felt okay afterwards and tried hard to focus on the blessing when I felt fear and would doubt.
I visited my specialist weekly from week 6-13 to check on the growth of the baby and gain a peace of mind. This helped. Eventually I became too pregnant to hide so we announced. The out pour of love and support was overwhelming.
Then I stopped going to my specialist and returned to my regular doctor every 4 weeks. Not seeing the baby each week was tough. Until I started to feel the baby move at about 16 weeks. Feeling the baby brought me so much comfort. I feel bad for doubting here and there but I am human and have very real fears. I have learned a lot and trusting the Lord and his timing is one of them. I do know that he has helped me through these fears. I know this isn't the end of my fears but I also know He will help me through all of those too.
Then we got to find out what we are having at 19 weeks. During this entire pregnancy Roan kept telling us it was a girl. Our last pregnancy that we lost he kept telling us it was a boy and turns out it was. I had no reason to doubt what Roan knew so I just went with it until it was to be confirmed. Well let's go ahead and bet all our money on what horse Roan says will win because he was right. We are having a GIRL!!
I am excited to say the least. It is going to be a whole new world and I cannot stop thinking about the wonderful new possibilities we have in store. Lars is super excited. Roan is really excited and talks about all the stuff he wants to do with her and share with her.
I was sick and threw up but not as much as I did with Roan. Mostly I have been really tired. Maybe it is because I am getting old but this pregnancy has been very different than Roan's. Just new things to deal with, like my sciatica nerve flaring up. Thankfully physical therapy has helped me with that. I do love being pregnant and try not to complain. I welcome all that comes with it and frankly have been enjoying it as much as I can since this is likely to be our last.
Of course I would have been happy to have any healthy baby. Truly, life is such a miracle and should always be celebrated. I just feel like this is now finally making our family complete. I still don't know why all the trails to expand our family happened. Our timing was off, we needed to learn stuff, Roan wasn't ready to be a big brother yet? Who knows? I may never know. I do know that even though it hurt I wasn't alone. I am very grateful that we are now being blessed with this. I hope we will do our best as parents and continue to grow and trust in the Lord and his timing. I also want to continue to be there for others that may struggle. I know my problems aren't cured because we are finally having a baby. Heck Life has still be crazy stressful with other problems, but at least we have this hope to help us through. :)