Saturday, April 3, 2010

Reflection-Warning may contain TMI

I love conference weekend. I get a lot done around the house and I get spiritual fed.
Plus Priesthood session=Me Time!
Priesthood session becomes a girls or "Stephanie" night out. I really like to hang out with my girls, but this weekend I needed some "me" time.

Every so often I reflect on myself personally, spiritually, and professionally to see if I am where I want to be or should be etc.. The last few weeks I have been doing a lot of that. Work has been stressful and I think that it set me off on a quest within myself to ensure I am where I want to be and if I am not what I am going to do about it. Along the quest I always doubt myself and put myself down inside for not being where I think I should be, but I usually get over it and move on. This time I haven't been able to shake it and have been seeking a change.

Excuse me while I just vomit a few of my thoughts.

Professional Life- I like my job and have goals within my company that I hope to achieve soon. But everything will happen in its right time and I have to keep reminding myself that. I can't run faster than I can walk. I have been in this new position for almost a year and I already want to move on to the next thing. Lately I have been easily frustrated and haven't been myself or at least what I think I used to be. But I suppose there is more I need to learn here before I can move on. Lars says that everything I am going through will make me a better mom and person more than I know right now. So in the mean time I will do my best where I am at and try to stay strong.

Personally-I love my family and how tight we are. My family always had monthly gatherings when we lived in Utah. I thought they became superficial, but now that I am out of state I miss them lots. Especially around the holidays. But I am so glad I have Lars. He is my best friend and I am so happy with him and us and the accomplishments we have made and have yet to make. This brings me to my next personal struggle.
~I want to be a Mom!~
I have been very baby or shall I say family hungry for about a year now. I love the church, & I love my family. I love that the churches focus is on family and I cannot wait to grow my family and have more love to share and to raise it like I was raised accompanied with all the joy and fun. I am 27 and to me that is old. I know I have more to learn before this day comes and I know it will come in its right time. At first I used to hurt inside because I don't have kids yet. I see other young families and am so happy for them and long for it. I cry less now but every now and then I think to myself, "I am I less of a women because it hasn't happened yet?" The answer is of course, NO! But I don't want to miss out or wait too long.
I love how my life is but can't wait for the day for our family to grow.

Spiritually-I can always do better in this area. Our ward had a goal in March to read the entire Book of Mormon in 30 days. I only made it a week. I beat myself up inside for a bit for such a little thing, but got over it because I can only do my best and let the Lord do the rest. I am human and need to pray always and get strengthened from the Lord. He is always blessing me in more ways than I know.

Lars has been such a support in being a soundboard and shoulder during this time. Recently we were talking about how I was feeling about things and came to two conclusion that have helped a lot;
~With growth comes pain
~We have set goals and are on our way in reaching them and have done so much since we started our lives together and so much more to do.

A lot of the conference talks have helped already too. I am so grateful for the gospel in my life. It has given me so much meaning and purpose. I know who I am and am on my way to continue loving life the best way I know how.

So what did I do to relieve myself during this "me" time. I baked cookies, cupcakes that I will decorate tomorrow, prepared to make a pie, goofed of on the Internet, and played Gauntlet.

I love me time!


  1. Sounds like conference came just in time! I am sad to hear you sound so sad. I remember you were always so happy, and always positive. I hope you are able to get past this!! Best of wishes!!
    P.S. Not being nosey, but why haven't you started your family yet? (I am scared to ask, I don't want to hurt you by bringing this up if you have been trying, and it's not happening.)

  2. That question is aokay, but the answer is long so I will email you via facebook.

  3. Stephanie, you are a wonderful and amazing woman. I think all your feelings are very natural and justified.. it's good to let them out sometimes and I hope you are feeling a little relieved after getting it all out.

    I love you and hope everything works out to your wishes.


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