Traumatic experiences have a funny way of changing a person. I guess that is their intention. SO I have had two miscarriages, one in March, the second in July. The last one was the worst of the two and frankly the most crappiest thing I have ever experienced in all aspects of my life. I am naturally an optimistic person but this last trial, traumatic experience, crap load of cards, whatever you want to call it, really shook me to the core. I haven't talked about it openly much since it happened. One reason being I have been digesting everything still and it has been really hard to articulate my feelings and thoughts. But I think am ready to share.
So the crap happened and when it was all finally over I was so ready to move forward. However, moving forward was so much harder than I thought it would be. I am totally fine with being around other pregnant people and celebrating the miracle of life. That hasn't been too awkward at all really. Most of my struggles have come from various questions that my new experiences have forced me to ask. Not so much a "why me?" as a "what now?" From my searching I have come to the conclusion that crap just happens and I hate this whole, "Maybe you are going to learn something, or God is showing you how strong you are.." BLAH!!!!! Sure that maybe is so but that doesn't help me feel better at all. When I started asking these questions I wasn't getting any answers. Which was super frustrating. I got really bitter and mad about that. So much that I almost gave up on my faith. I know that sounds serious because it really was. I just felt completely abandoned and lonely. I was frustrated because I was trying to live right and trying to find answers but nothing was happening. I wanted to just quit everything I grew up believing but I knew I couldn't deep down because I knew it was still good and I felt giving up would be showing how ungrateful I was for all the things I had been blessed with thus far. Even when I did entertain the thought of searching other places everything always brought me back to my faith.
I am a very optimistic person but as you can see this really messed me up in a crazy way. I am not sure if it was just the hormones or loss of hope. I was very depressed, even servery depressed a few times, but man healing from this last miscarriage is a mighty process. I really don't know if I could ever survive this again. I hope I don't have to eat those words. When I look back on this I really have no idea how I got up every morning and got dressed. I really really don't.
Sure I still get really sad at times. The first week of October was especially hard as that was when my due date was from my first miscarriage. And I had my period on top of that. Yay Shark Week! Needless to say I just didn't trust any feelings I had that week and focused on brushing off my emotions and just pushed through. I was very grumpy and felt frumpy but as soon as that week was done I felt so much better and completely different.
SO I kept on moving forward with faith. Oh and it was so SO HARD! I still had so much fear, grief, and resentment. Then little good things started to happen.Good feelings surfaced, I started to smile, various articles, blog posts, scriptures, talks, and songs gave insight to help me sort things out. I still don't have all the answers but I do have some important answers. One being that Heavenly Father never stopped loving me. Crap happens but He continued to mourn with me and tries to help me and He hopes that I remember who I am and that He loves me. He has a plan and I need to trust because He can see the big picture.
I want to end this on a positive note because that is what I like to do but it is hard to do that sometimes. I suppose that is why I was unsure about writing this blog. I guess my words of advice is to be kind to everyone and if you know someone going through a miscarriage or any crap reach out to them and show your love by "doing" stuff, don't just offer. I honestly didn't know what I needed, my emotions and body were in shock and chaos, and those that came to me and just started doing stuff really helped me pull through. Sure it is nice to get kind gestures but really action is needed. Next, remember that God really does care especially when you are going through crap.
Now that this year is wrapping up I have been reflecting on the events of the year. I am truly blessed. Since all of this time has past and I have begun to see a little bit of the big picture. I am not saying that it is good that we had the miscarriages. Certain things have recently taken place that have helped me understand how different life would be if things continued on the path they were on. It probably won't be bad but they weren't supposed to happen. Instead other stuff happened and I am grateful I was able to be in a position to be an instrument in those things. That is okay. I have learned so much and I know I will live life going forward with more compassion and passion. I will trust in Him and His plan and know that He will continue to help me through it. I am truly beginning to feel at peace with everything and I have come to understand that sometimes your heart breaks but the cracks allow the light in. :)