Dark Cloudy Days

Per our last post we announced being pregnant but having some issues. We greatly appreciate the love and prayers extended to us. I am very sad to to report that on July 5th, at a little over 12 weeks pregnant, we miscarriaged our baby. A few days prior to the miscarriage I passed some large blood clots. I wanted to get checked out before the long holiday weekend. I got an ultrasound and it showed the bleeding was smaller and that the baby was still going strong. I felt some peace and hope from this. (looking back now the baby probably wasn't okay. The once super fast heartbeat was slower but still in the "safe" range. I had a bad feeling but didn't want to over-think things.) The clots evolved and led to a miscarriage. :(

These last few weeks have been very dark and cloudy for us as we have grieved and tried to heal. A process that has been the most difficult thing I have ever EVER had to face. This post will document some of my thoughts, feelings, and events from this dark cloud.

As soon as it happened we reached out and were surrounded by supportive family and friends. We of course were very sad and mostly just shocked and numb. Lots of people asked me what they could do to help but I honestly had no answer for them. I had no idea what I was about to face. I took Monday off of work to recoup and get some pain meds from my doctor. They did an ultrasound and according to that everything looked like it was healing. But it really wasn't. I still had a lot of physical pain and was still bleeding on and off. I figured it would pass eventually but this made it difficult to move forward emotionally which I wanted so badly to do. I cried a lot, ate nachos, and visited with some family and friends to try and work through some of the emotions.

I went back to work Tuesday hoping for some distraction. It helped a little but I really was a huge basket case. I cried at the drop of a hat and couldn't breath easily. I knew I was loved but I felt very lonely and became depressed. I was still on heavy pain meds and I worked to get off of them. I knew being that depressed and on medication would only evolve my negative emotions. Which it did, I felt anger towards myself, others, and towards God. I knew this wasn't healthy so I got off the meds after a few days but still felt awful inside. I prayed so hard but no matter what I could not find any peace or comfort in the situation.  I really have no idea how I was even getting dressed and leaving the house, only that I was. I think it was like an out of body experience. I could see myself interacting with others but had no feeling behind my actions. I hate being like that. I know I don't have to be happy all the time but I like to feel like me and feel genuine. Many friends and family checked in on my daily which was truly heaven sent. They reminded me I was strong and kept me going. Yet I still felt like I was barely making it. I knew just a short time had passed and I truly was cutting myself some slack on how long I was taking to heal but I wanted to be done.

Friday Lars bought me flowers and took me on a date to get sushi. It was nice. I felt normal with only a little guilt. The weekend seemed okay. I was fine being around Lars and Roan. I tried to remember what I had and cherish that. The new work week started out more or less the same as the last....grumpy. However, Tuesday I started bleeding really really heavy and passing clots of blood and tissue. I sat in the bathroom for almost 2 hours. I left work early and called my doctor. By the time they got back to me, hours later, everything slowed down. They told me to go to the hospital next time and said some other annoying stuff that just made me mad. I stopped talking to them and went back to my nap and cancelled all my evening commitments. Wednesday I got to work and headed to a 9 am meeting, they were having blueberry muffins so I was especially excited. I walked into the meeting and felt a huge GUSH in my pants and immediately turned around and left. I hid in the bathroom for a bit then decided to just go to the hospital, the bleeding was really picking up again. My manager offered to take me but I declined (Both my husband and Mom were upset at me for saying no, always say yes especially when you have no idea what side of the building the ER is on and end up walking around for 5 minutes with your pants full of blood, yeah not one of my best moments.)

The rest of the day went pretty fast almost like a movie. I ran into Labor & Delivery crying about hemorrhaging. They put me in a wheelchair and got me to ER stat! There I passed buckets of blood and softball size blood clots and large tissue pieces. All the doctors and nurses were super amazing and nice and gave me the care I needed. I mean they were really nice and after having had the experience I had with my own doctor's office  it was extremely comforting to know I was finally being taken care of. (Now I don't entirely blame my doctor for how this ended but I do have a hard time with them not showing any concern about the red flags I shared with them. This could have been prevented. Needless to say I am already working on switching doctors).  At the hospital an ultrasound showed that I still had shrapnel of placenta left over. The ER OBGYN told me they were not letting me go home what with all the blood loss. If the circumstances were different they probably would have gave me more drugs to pass the stuff but if I lost anymore blood I was going to need a transfusion. It was agreed that everyone would feel better if they did an emergency D&C. Again, the doctors were super kind and thorough with me and went over all the details and concerns I had.

Everything happened super fast. We thought we were going to have to wait hours for an opening but they had me in the OR within 15 minutes from the conversation. I got a few minutes with Lars and got a priesthood blessing then went into surgery at 1:35 pm and was in recovery by 2:10 pm. I remember having a dream while I was under. I was in a white room with various people hugging and conversing. The doctor shook me awake and told me the surgery was a success and that there was more in there that they thought so it was really good that they did it. The bleeding stopped almost as soon as they got it all. I tried to go back to sleep to recapture the dream but couldn't. I remember weeping tears of sorrow for a minute and then the tears quickly switched to tears of relief. I finally had a wave a peace come over and all the pain and anxiety, that dark cloud, was lifted off my gut, chest, and shoulders. There was some sunshine at last, even if it was a small ray of sun it was still shining and it was mine at last.  I felt so much true comfort and peace. I wept tears but they had some joy that I could finally heal physically and therefore work on healing emotionally. My body is so intertwined with my emotions that it is often hard for me to progress with one when the other is badly wounded.

We were home from the hospital by 6 pm and everyone in our little family are ready to heal and move forward. I wasn't allowed to be alone for 24 hours so my Mom, sister, and friends took shifts to care for me. My throat and neck hurt from the anesthesia  but I took some pain meds for a few days to help with that. Other than that I have been sleeping a lot and trying to rebuild my blood count and strength. I honestly feel a lot better, like night and day.

Many friends, family, and neighbors have helped so so much over the last few weeks. We have received many meals, phone calls, messages, texts, emails, and prayers. We have felt the love and appreciated it even though we have been super duper grumpy. We truly are thankful for the love as we have been trying to work through all this. Now I know that we are not cured by any means. We still have a ways to go in healing and moving forward. However, I know that we are finally in the right direction. I do have a testimony of our Saviors atonement and am grateful for the countless tender mercies he has poured out to us. I am working on utilizing that to find peace, understanding, and an eternal perspective in this trial. I have a few books that have been recommended to me and I am making a memory book for our baby. I think both will help me as I work on letting the sun shine. Those are all the thoughts I have for now. Thank you for reading.

A few things that have really helped me feel better and find strength have been flowers...

 

This little boy. He has been very cuddly and kind.
He did act out for a bit but it could just be he is 2 years old and a trigger was switched. 

and nachos. I have seriously been drowing my sorrows in nachos. I am anxious to get back on my clean eating and exercising kick but in the mean time I am allowing myself some delicious slack. 

I found this song and it made sense of how I was feeling shortly after the miscarriage. Though I am grumpy I am hopeful.